Getting conversations started can sometimes be a challenge. It’s mostly when we don’t: 
- Know someone well
- Don’t want to say the wrong thing
- Feel intimidated or awestruck
- Are feeling self-conscious
Being willing and able to talk to people is the centerpiece of a successful career and profitable business.
We need to develop the ability to talk to all kinds of people under wildly different circumstances in an effective way.
It can be difficult to start conversations with a boss, coworker, or customer who isn’t particularly willing or interested in talking with you. That’s when you need to break the ice.
Why bother?
It would be easy to just blow off folks that don’t want to talk. We might think it’s their loss, when, in fact, it’s more likely ours.
When we get people to talk to us, we learn things. Often what we learn is unexpected—an inside look, a new perspective, an opportunity, or a tip.
This week I had errands to run, so I made the rounds. Since I live in the country, I patronize local businesses. At each stop, I made a point to start a casual conversation with whoever was at the counter.
Here’s what happened:
At the feed mill, I chit-chatted with the clerk about how my horse had a breathing disorder exacerbated by the pollen. She owned horses too and told me about a new dustless bedding product which I then bought. (Learned something new)
Then I went to the butcher shop. The butcher’s wife, Susan, who works the counter, is generally cold and standoffish. The customer before me was a native Italian who owned the local pizzeria. He purchased three spleens. (Yep, spleens!) When he left, I asked Susan what anyone would use a spleen for and she answered, “I don’t know and I don’t want to know!” We had a good laugh. (Warmer relationship)
The next stop was the bank. While the teller was doing the paperwork, I asked what was new in the neighborhood. She explained how several local teenagers had been apprehended after a series of robberies. She gave me details on the sting that nabbed them, information that wasn’t in the paper. (Insider information)
Multiplier effect
Ice can refreeze, so our initiatives to keep the ice open need to be ongoing.
Think of the people you work with who try to keep you at arms length or are uncomfortable sharing their knowledge, points of view, or personal side.
You do yourself and others a huge favor by making it easy for them to talk to you. It’s how you build bonds.
These conversations help you figure out what’s really going on around you. By being an ice breaker, you discover that you will:
- Build a broader base of relationships
- See things from different sides
- Get a heads up when you need it
- Feel gratitude and appreciation for and from your coworkers
Early in my corporate career, I worked in marketing where I needed to procure a truck and a 32-foot trailer outfitted with interactive displays. Working with the purchasing department required jumping through a lot of procedural hoops held by agents being chomped on by managers across the company.
To purchasing, my project was small potatoes and I was a nobody. Russ was the agent assigned to handle my purchase, and I suspected this wasn’t something he was keen on. I asked to meet with him, so I could better understand what he was up against and what I could do to make it easier for him. That ice-breaker conversation created in an ally I could count on for the rest of my career there.
Take the time
The avenue of least resistance can turn into the highway to nowhere. Everyone has something of value to say. We just need to take the time to break the ice that’s in their way and ours. Now flourish your ice picks!
Photo from elefevre7 via Flickr
Such a seemingly simple topic–talking to people, but really valuable information. I love the stories about your interactions with the folks you ran into on your errands. Life would be a bore if we didn’t have a chance to enhance and learn from our relationships.
I suspect that you didn’t break the ice with Russ, but instead, one meeting with you and any and all thoughts of a difficult/piddly transaction just “melted” away.
Stacking up goodwill and allies takes some effort, but to steal a line from a Rotary motto, it’s definitely “beneficial to all concerned”. Good stuff, Dawn!
I don’t think anyone is better at ice-breaking than you are. An inclination to want to like people and a desire to give them a lift by showing interest in them and what they know helps get the ball rolling. You’re an ace at that!
Thanks for the nice compliment about my connection with Russ. I love your line: “Stacking up goodwill and allies takes some effort….” You’re so right on that. For every a win-win strategy, ice-breaking is a big part of it. Still haven’t discovered what culinary dish requires a spleen!
Always love your comments, Pam. ~Dawn
Breaking the ice has always been difficult for me. These simple pointers will help – thanks.
Nancy, It makes me feel very good to know that I’ve offered an idea that is helpful. The funny thing about ice-breaking is that it’s such a small gesture that can turn big benefits. Each time we do it promises to make the next time easier. It would be nice to have a magic bullet to make things we struggle with easier. Alas, we just have to do this step by step. I’m so glad you commented. Many thanks, ~Dawn
It is so true, everyone has something valuable to say or a behavior we can learn from. Overall I tend to be chatty cathy with service people and with people at stores. It translates into one or more of the value points you mentioned as well as more helpful service. I have found, though, at larger more commercialized store people tend not to want to chat as much. In fact they can find it annoying – perhaps because they’re busy, I don’t know the reason. In those guesses I forget about the chit chat and just pleasantly say hello and thank you very much. That can make a dent too.
Good topic – smart way of doing it. Cherry
Great point, Cherry, about how commercialized stores don’t seem as conducive to chatting with personnel. Maybe that’s why I avoid the mall…too many people eager to get their purchases checked out and be on their way. It does tend to make interaction feel more sterile. In my experience, sales people there almost seem startled when you try to start a conversation. Hummm…maybe I should try harder when I have to trek to the mall. Thanks. ~Dawn
I guess you felt pretty good after that trip to town – and you learned something also. I live in a big urban area and try to connect with people when out shopping. Asking “How is your day going?” (instead of the standard “How are you?”) has given me many interesting answers about work conditions and even personal problems. But if there is a long line I agree, “Thank you for your help!” and a smile is a great way to make a connection.
Irene, I love your “How is your day going question.” I’m going to try it. I can only imagine what communications doors it opens. I think you’ve hit on a winning ice breaker there. Thanks for sharing it! ~Dawn
Hi Dawn – another fun and insightful post! When I was young, I used to be in a hurry too busy to chew the fat, you know? But then I learned that chewing the fat is what it’s all about! A great reminder as I feel too busy in my daily life to stay connected! TY!
Kathy, “chew the fat” is such a great phrase and a reminder that in the old days, before noses were glued to mobile devises, people took time to sit and chat with each other. Not only did they build relationships, they learned a lot about what was going on the the neighborhood…and with the neighbors! Great comment, ~Dawn
Please, please, please stop asking strangers, or bare acquaintances, how their day is going. It’s intrusive and rude. You shouldn’t ask precisely because you have so little clue what the truth might be when it comes to someone you don’t know. Many of us are trying to forget how our day is going. You aren’t helping by shoving people’s faces into their unhappiness. Give us a chance to forget ourselves.
Thanks for sharing this interesting perspective. You make an important point about what might be considered “intrusive and rude” inquiry. For some the “how is your day?” question is simply intended as “something polite to say” when they really aren’t looking for an answer at all. This turns the comment into a superficiality at the very least. In my case, I don’t ask “how is your day?” Instead I make an observation about (uncreatively) the weather, something new in the work setting, an issue that seems universal for whatever their business, and/or something about someone’s purchase, like those spleens. I appreciate your adding to the conversation ~Dawn