Bosses have employee issues. Employees have boss issues. Coworkers have peer issues. Isn’t
working together supposed to be easy?
We often set ourselves up for the people problems we face. When we fail to set boundaries that keep out unwanted coworker behaviors, we pay a price.
Ominous signs
People problems generally sneak up on us. One day we realize we’re caught in a cycle we don’t like—one that’s interfering with our work.
Typically, here’s what takes place:
Unsolicited confiding: A coworker or employee shares a personal problem, a bit of gossip, a critical opinion, or a confidence. By listening and engaging in the conversation, we open a channel for more in the future that we really don’t want.
Uncontrolled access: The concept of the “open door” policy for bosses and willingness to “drop everything” to help a coworker sounds nice but is often counterproductive. Once we allow anyone to interrupt us anytime, we reward poor planning and devalue our own time.
Unwanted associations: We become friendly with a colleague who makes a great first impression. Later, we discover that s/he has a poor work history, a tendency to let us pull part of his/her weight, and is not well thought of. We need to create some distance.
Unanticipated involvement: We encounter coworkers and bosses who have strong views about what should and shouldn’t be taking place at work. Their perspectives have some logic on the surface but may be steeped in old resentments and personal interests. We’re asked or expected to “get on board” with them and support the “cause.” In time we discover that we don’t support their views and need to decouple.
Making the break
Experience is the best teacher for boundary setting. Once you realize you’re in a place you don’t want to be with coworkers, that’s the time to examine the boundaries you 1.) set and broke or 2.) never set in the first place.
A workplace boundary establishes what you will and won’t allow. It says to your coworkers, “This is off limits,” “This is something I don’t do,” and “This is what I live by.”
The time will come when you will need to (re)establish a boundary with someone who has crossed it. That’s not easy, but letting things go only make conditions worse.
Here are some conversations that you might initiate designed to (re)set boundaries:
Gossiping: “Several weeks ago, you told me about Joe’s marital problems and speculation about his involvement with his IT specialist. At first I got caught up in the details. Then I realized that it wasn’t the right thing to do. I’ve decided to stay away from office gossip. It’s not what I want to do.”
Interruptions: “As much as I believe in being helpful and supportive, I’ve come to realize that constant interruptions are negatively affecting my ability to lead/perform well. Too often, I’m asked for answers because it’s easier than looking them up and learning them. So, I will set aside a specific hour each day when you are welcomed to bring your ideas and questions.”
Professionalism: “I’ve been concerned about the lack of courtesy at our meetings. In the past ,whether I was leading the meeting or simply participating, I too spoke out without being recognized, made sidebar remarks, and was focused on my BlackBerry instead of listening. From now on, I will stop that behavior and will request the same from my colleagues.”
Performance: “I’ve noticed that I’ve gotten sloppy about report deadlines because I can’t get the data I need from you (a coworker or colleague in another department). This seems to be a pattern throughout the organization, but it doesn’t do either of us any good to be seen in that negative light. Shall we commit to supporting each other so we can build a reputation of being on time?”
Boundaries build your brand.
Boundaries define who you are at work. They are the rules you set, making it easier for others to work with you.
Without boundaries, we allow others to impose themselves on our daily work and impact our careers. With them, we regain control.
Photo from kevindooley via Flickr
I like the emphasis on owning your transgressions. It’s so easy to get caught up in the office gossip–and people “in the know” hold a certain kind of power…that is, if we feed it. I wish I could say that I’ve been “the bigger person” and resisted office gossip, but this is not the case.
Thank you for the advice to extricate yourself before it becomes too late, and too distracting. If healthy boundaries are not the key to healthy relationships in life, I don’t know what is…??:).
Thanks for the wonderful scripts, Dawn–much appreciated!
Linda, great comment. I think everyone, at one time, gets drawn into conversations and/or relationships that, in retrospect, they realize aren’t right. That’s when we raise our awareness about boundaries and (re)set them. The challenge is inextricating ourselves from places we don’t want to go anymore, particularly when others keep trying to draw us back in. Sometimes we wait a long time, only knowing the time is right when we start feeling the consequences personally. It’s always better to avoid the muck than struggling to wade out of it! Sometimes that takes more than a pair of Wellies! Glad you liked the scripts!
Good post! It is so easy to get caught up in the emotional drama at work. It sure relieves the boredom sometimes! LOL!
There’s just something about charged emotions that are so delicious and contagious.
But, alas, it is best not to get caught up in the drama and once you realize you have gotten caught up in it to politely extricate yourself!
Kathy, great point about emotional drama as a way to relieve the boredom. I guess it’s one thing to have a little drama now and then rather than a lot of drama all the time. My guess is that coworkers who thrive on the drama want to make a career out of perpetuating it. For the rest of us, we’d like some peace and quiet so we can get work done! Ah, the beauty of a sound proof barrier! Thanks for a terrific comment.
Great post! I don’t like drama and gossip at work. Thanks for the reminder and great advice.
Nice to hear from you, Irene. I’m with you on the no drama…no gossip. It takes discipline and good boundaries to keep both at bay!
Do you have any advice for a supervisor who has trouble defining those personal and business lines. How does someone actually sort through the issues and determine how to apply those boudaries? To seperate friends from business and to develop a proper and healthy working enviroment working with subrodinates?
Well, you’ve raised some critical questions, Erin. Each supervisor’s situation is different, being a function of the composition of the work group, its culture, and collective/individual performance. It starts with establishing yourself as the leader, committed to driving specific results which you clearly communicate. Boundaries start with structure…goals, performance standards, codes of conduct, etc. Those need to be articulated along with how they align with the expectations of the business. Give everyone a chance to comment and ask questions; then be sure you reinforce your rationale for the way the group will perform. Then stick to it.
You may need to revisit and reinforce each employee’s job description. If they need to be revised, that’s a helpful exercise. Now you’re ready to deal with individuals who are crossing the line. You may need to meet one-on-one with people who can’t separate friendship from your role as leader. If they are your friends, they will want to support you. If not, they will resist and attempt to prey on your fear of losing their friendship. Your first responsibility is to you role as leader. That’s what you get paid for. Be patient but be firm and consistent. In time you’ll find that most everyone will fall in line, especially when the output of the group is recognized and rewarded. Thanks for asking. Hope this helps, ~Dawn
Thanks, as a new college grad navigating the work place, I began to feel my niceness and willingness to lend an ear was being taken advantage of by co-workers, young and old. I thought; they just think I’m a good guy, but I didn’t feel good inside. I now know boundaries are crucial for my own mental health and for everyone’s professionalism.
Thanks, Danny, for this wonderful comment. I’m delighted that the post was helpful. Getting off to a good start with your boss and colleagues makes navigating each step in your career a whole lot easier. All the best, ~Dawn
I got an issue an don’t know wut it fall under.can anyone help me figure this out……
My wifes boss keeps gettin into personal matters when it come to her personal life.. give her unwanted/personal advice when it comes to our relationship. She know feels uncomfertable… what kinda of complaint can we file to make sure that he don’t cross the perfesional boundery again.
Johnny,
Thanks for your question. Filing a formal complaint would be an action of last resort. For starters, your wife needs to figure out what she may have said that gave her boss the opening to offer his advice. Then she needs to think about how she reacts each time that unwanted advice is given, asking herself how her reactions may inadvertently encourage continuation. With that in mind, she needs to stop whatever she’s doing that is encouraging the advice.
Then she needs to meet fact-to-face with her boss and explain that his advice makes her uncomfortable and she would like it to stop. As an employee she is looking for advice on how she can continue to add value to her job.
If the boss continues, she should keep notes on what is said and when. With that information in hand, her next step would be to meet with someone in HR.
I hope this helps. Good luck with it all. ~Dawn